The trauma your spouse is going through is also taking a big toll on you.
Up to now, the focus has been on the embarrassment of the present and the uncertainty of the future. But from what other couples report, there can also be a possible silver lining to all of this. This disruption can break bad patterns and it can increase the reliance and trust on each other.
• Sometimes spouses who had been lost to their career have gotten a chance to return to home and to their families
• Sometimes self-pride and impatience have been replaced with a more relaxed appreciation and a lighter heart.
What happens in these tough times lays the foundation for what gets built next.
"How Can I Help My Spouse Recover?"
Years after their trauma, people remember small actions their spouse took that helped them feel better. Things they never knew they needed. That is, they didn’t know they were thirsty until they were given a glass of water and told, “Here, drink this.” The key is was their spouse took action – uninvited action.
What you can first do are the small things that will initially help both of you. Actions that make you feel more useful and that will help them act more normal to you. Remind them of why you married them and why those things haven't changed. Try to connect them with true friends. Initiate little getaways that bond you both closer together, and which can distract both of you away from the trauma. Find inspiring DVDs or movies you think would be useful or relevant (don’t say why you picked it, just say, “This looks interesting).” Take actions that let them know you’re fighting beside them – write a letter, meet with a realtor, look into a support group, talk with a financial advisor, or let a true ally of theirs know they are needed and encourage them to reach out to your spouse. You can learn more about what's worked for other families by downloading the pdf below.
You need to be commended, and you need to be thanked. You are reading this for ideas of what you can do for your spouse. Other people – who aren’t reading this – could be looking for ideas of what to do to them. What happens in this rough time lays the foundation for what gets built next.
|
| ||||
"When Will This End?"
Anxiety over the future is a major stressor for a spouse -- especially if you are trying to juggle the rest of the household during this time. The crisis itself (not including the aftershocks) could be over very quickly, or it could drag on for up to 12-18 months if there's an investigation or some type of formal proceeding. After that, here's some rough estimates of timing that some families have dealt with:
• It could take 6-18 months for your spouse to find another job that's a good fit
• The first job offer that your spouse wants to take may not be the best
• It could take 2-3 more years before it feels like your spouse is truly back on their feet again
For at least 1 year, you may want to postpone any big transition decisions that you might have been considering prior to the event (such as moving, adopting children, divorcing, changing your job, and so on). There's going to be a new equilibrium. It's going to be different, and it may be even better.
"Who's Going to Help Take Care of Me?"
We don't yet know much about what spouses have specifically done this.. Hopefully it involves rest, stress reduction, exercise, and good nutrition, and our resources here might help also be of help to you.
But also this: The same list of ideas of how you can help your spouse may be similar to what they could do to help you. That is, it's the same types of actions they could take to ease what you're going through: Conversation actions, bonding actions, and workload actions. (If you print it out, it might even fit on their night stand.)
Let Us Know What Works for You.
What is helping you get through this, or what are you doing that is helping your spouse? If you think this would be useful to other families, let us know by filling in the comment boxes below and we'll send you some more detail about what other families are doing. Your ideas will be anonymous, and they could help other families who visit this site. Thank you.
What is helping you get through this, or what are you doing that is helping your spouse? If you think this would be useful to other families, let us know by filling in the comment boxes below and we'll send you some more detail about what other families are doing. Your ideas will be anonymous, and they could help other families who visit this site. Thank you.
